Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich

Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter

Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.

Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?

I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.

Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”

I see that your IQ test came back negative.

@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.

Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.

Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur

Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…

[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.

Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!

Wife: I don’t like where this is going.

Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.

Wife: I’ll be at the bar

[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.

The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.

Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.

Him:

Me: *jazz hands*

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys

Alexa: remind me to feed the baby

My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*

List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime