Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I peed so hard that a little laugh came out

Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.

Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?

Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.

I won every fight in 1st grade.

Not because I was tough, because I was 13.

Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.

day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt

day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt

When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.

Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.

I have many caverns

The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.

Some people like to stir the pot…

…I prefer to smoke it.

[christmas day]

God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they

Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever

God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer

Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!

Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?

ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-

ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION

Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?

Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb

My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge

“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”

‘Omg. Where?’

“No, just a normal wolf I think.”

My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed

[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?

[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH

The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.

Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?

John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.

My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned

Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy

Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?

Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.

Dog: I will guard you with my life!

Cat: What was your name again?

Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”

They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)

An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls

I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.

“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.