i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github
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Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges