Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach

facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂

me: nah it’s ok—

facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂

me: [tearing up] th-thanks

Some people see the glass as half empty.

I see it as the reason I have to pee.

God has left this place

joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people

batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you

joker:

batman:

joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem

Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.

half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer

My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.

Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?

OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.

OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew

[as a lawyer]

me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”

judge: “granted”

me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”

If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma

Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.

Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough

Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼‍♀️

[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.

My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”

fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!

Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

HER: Does your dog do any tricks?

ME: I taught him to lie on the bed

H: That’s not impressive lol

DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit

why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans

[Inspecting car]

*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”

“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”

-nobody

Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*