I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
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Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Ummm 😳
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Breaking news:
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.