I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
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Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?