I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
You Might Also Like
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
My first child will be named New Folder.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
couldn’t resist
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times