I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
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My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
u spoke cat all this time??????
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.