Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.

And they marry each other.

Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?

Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.

*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.

Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”

The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE

i spent way too long on this

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*

Her: what’s this?

Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms

My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”

the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one

Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?

Friend: yeah

Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?

My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.

Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is

me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard

I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.

*eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now

All of the good tweets are either married or gay.

My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.

I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.

Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.

It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.

Sponch

[1st date]

Him: We share perfect chemistry!

Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*

WIFE: Who was at the door?

ME: More carol singers.

HER: What did they sing?

ME: Silent Night

HER: I hope you didn’t t-

ME: I twerked.

When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”

Me:

Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol