I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
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To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
This is my emotional support knife.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.