I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
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Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him