I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
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Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
we’re all idiots, it’s not a competition
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭