I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
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If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
My husband reached for his black hat from the hats and gloves basket that we keep by the front door, except it was the cat.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race