I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
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That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
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“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.
his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!
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Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”