I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
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So sick of all these stupid rules
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Pretty much. 🤣
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
figuring out my emotional availability:
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook