I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
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You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
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