I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
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Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
…u ok Nintendo?
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
Me: I’m Absolutely broke
State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!
#wtfuture
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”