Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.

i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them

You never say “I love you” back

Tater tots:

Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.

My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.

I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.

Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.

“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”

Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online

Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on

WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*

Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*

Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win

8: mommy I want to study pastrami

Me: why pastrami specifically?

8: I’m just super interested in the stars

Me: astronomy you mean astronomy

8: pretty sure it’s pastrami

Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!

My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.

Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call

I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.

The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.

I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am

me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]

boss: [declines]

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss

By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%

My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.

My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.