Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂

I highly suggest that you do not google that term.

“no gods no masters” = leo

No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.

If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.

—cats in Christmas trees

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

Priest: tell me your confessions

Me: I said the f word twice this week

Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else

Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle

“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.

My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.

[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

I’m listening

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight

my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery

me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew

Twin: ya know how we always-

Me: -finish each other’s sentences!

Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER

Twin: so I had an idea…

That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right

-Goldilocks on Tinder

OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases

She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.

[Scooby Doo at an interview]

Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.

*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*

Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!

Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you