Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”

It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.

God I hate condescending assholes!

(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)

I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing

me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]

my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you

me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok

Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.

Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.

doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry

bigfoot: weird

*watching someone make a cake*

them: and now add the mascarpone

me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses

There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal

WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME

A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent

This cashier is a moron

-Me at self checkout

cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or

My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.

I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza

i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls

Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.

He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?

Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™

me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online

uber driver: oh cool me too

fly splatting on windscreen: same

You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do

Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”

Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”

Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*

There’s a disturbance in the coffee.