I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
You Might Also Like
A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out