Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked

We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.

According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.

they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.

[Valentine’s Day]

Me: I got you a bunch of flowers

GF: Thanks

Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too

Final Destination: Holiday Edition.

The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.

this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now

I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib

My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.

I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.

This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

roses are red

violets are blue

the jerk store called

theyre running out of you

My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’

me: I’m nervous about my job interview

friend: just be honest

[later]

interviewer: hi

me: yeah a little

Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir

“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank

Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently

Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*

DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”

I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.

-Everyone’s mom

Breaking news:

I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.

Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*

[3am]

no one:

not a soul:

my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself

God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?

angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos

[turns to 2nd angel]

God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?

angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷‍♂️