Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.

my body: please…eat a vegetable

me: fine

my body: that’s not fried

My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”

Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.

the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house

Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.

I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:

Heyyyy Macarena.

me: it is lonely at the top.

therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’

her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?

me: i added ginger

her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger

ginger: *wet meows*

Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.

Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.

Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”

Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that

After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.

I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”

Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.

[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain

I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.

Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:

“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”

Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.

Me: No kidding.

Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who

Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.

Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down

We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.