Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!

“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*

Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face

Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel

If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”

do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success

I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point

Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance

Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell

Me: so I get to be the devil

Therapist: no absolutely no-

Me: Very cool

Therapist: wait but

Me: incredibly cool

Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales

I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.

Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.

[November 2030]

*at the ocean*

“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”

Kids: This fish has three heads

[dinner]

HER: lose the spear

ME: but you said we having wild rice

I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.

So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.

[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.

“Let’s call it a day.”

I don’t know what else you’d call it.

Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.

“Lets call it a turtle.”

See?

[on a date with a european]

Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me

Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?

Me: I just want to sleep!

Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!

Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.

Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.

You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.

*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course

I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid

Anyway, thought of you