I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
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“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
sliding into dms like
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
My coworker complained that I pee too loud to my boss but I refuse to moan silently
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.