I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
You Might Also Like
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol