Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something

My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.

*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*

I wish I had a better metabolism

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

Wife: Good morning handsome

Me: Hi

Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you

Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?

Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again

Me: There it is

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*

Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this

I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.

Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?

Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?

Me: finding the will to get up

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.

*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*

[wife texts me from France]

“Really?”

Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

ME: Why are my eyes itchy?

WebMD: Eye bees

Good for him.

Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?

Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.

*My wife being frustrated by my kids*

Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?

8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers

I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.

Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.

*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door

I no longer need Google.

I have a 22 year old in college.

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”

I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”

No, please lie, I insist!