Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.

me: get out of your own head live in the now

also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings

I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.

The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

me: do you have coke

cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?

13: can I play video games?

ME: yep

WIFE: nope

ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice

How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.

Showerkraut

We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.

This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.

Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*

Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.

I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*

I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.

[visiting America]

Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?

America: sure is

Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch

America: lmao nope

As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.

My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.

The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.

CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?

If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy

I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.

If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.

Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.