I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
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It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Got drunk and hugged the Domino’s delivery driver again …. There goes that New Years Resolution.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.