I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
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A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.