I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
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Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
It’s his time
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*