I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
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Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Possums basically just grow until they die so if u see a really big possum that is an elder and u should be respectful or u will not see the kingdom of heaven
Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.