I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
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When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
i’m sure it’s fine
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change