I’m so full I could puke a horse
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Can’t. Being lazy.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.