I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
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me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Name another movie that mislead you?
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.