I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
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Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Yes
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.