Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.

As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”

But I can’t.

Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.

Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.

Friend: pollen?

Me: hipsters.

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist

Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.

Tuesday

The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.

*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.

My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”

Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?

shazam but for random noises outside

13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”

*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*

wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands

I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?

Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time

Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.

Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.

I took two years of anger management courses

Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores

replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty

Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.