Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.

When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.

i would wish you the best but i am the best

She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.

Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.

I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.

Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.

I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another

*throws nickel at grandpa*

I need more magic ear money.

[before nap]

I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!

[after nap]

well now it’s way too late to do anything

*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer

My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win

ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.

Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.

people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description

*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*

God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.

Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.

The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.

Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.

TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?

*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*

Me: Yes.

one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague

my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words

Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”

Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”

My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.

Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”