Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t

[bounce]

Me: buy the kids

[bounce]

Me: a trampoline.

[bounce].

lmao😭🤣

Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?

[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!

Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!

Murderer: What the… where are you?

Me: Did you look under there?

Murderer: Under whe-Hey!

Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.

Murder: What- Damn it!

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME

” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.

Said no one ever.

My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.

Mob boss: fellas, restrain him

me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me

Mob boss: and gag him

ㅤ

This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣

I feel it

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun

Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.

His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

🤣✨#caturday

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

“Can you explain the gap in your resume?”

“Sure are you familiar with not getting jobs?”

Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken- what

Me: what

Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast

Pet toad: WHAT