Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !

All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.

Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?

Me: No, I’m good.

Husband: Are you sure?

Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…

and if you can a coke…

and a cheeseburger…

Can you also swing by Taco Bell?

Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.

“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.

*lifts 10 pound weight*

Nice.

*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure

Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.

Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.

Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.

[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything

There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.

The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.

I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.

[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]

Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?

Him: ya that’s fine!

*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*

Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe

“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players

The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.

My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.

Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.

Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing

Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?

No way you’re all at church.

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.

Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.

so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?

… sounds better than tinder

Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆

Good morning.

The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.

Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.

Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want

Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]