Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Voting is the worst group project

Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue

You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.

Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

I’m no good at the pole vault either.

*me flirting

*during sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much

When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.

guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me

her: do carrots help your eyesight

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen

[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]

witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*

Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”

i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.

I took biscuits with me on a date once.

She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.

The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.

My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird

me: ok

[later at the funeral]

me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence

Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.

3-year-old: OK

*breaks into song*

*turns on every talking toy*

*detonates fireworks*

Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone

Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.

“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably