Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Icarus loved hot wings.

Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store

My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.

And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.

They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)

I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.

GOD: I gave you my son.

MAN: You mean your only son?

GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.

The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

*visits random websites just for the cookies*

[phone sex]

GF: Tell me you want me

ME: I want you badly

GF: How badly?

ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly

The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.

Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation

Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book

Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree

Me: Waldo you rascal!

“Don’t take this the wrong way”

Translation: Prepare for insult.

Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name

5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.

2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.

I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach

– my dog begging

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today

my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by

I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.

The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.

What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue

I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle

I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

“I found my charger!!”

– a love story