Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me

My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.

Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.

My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”

Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.

I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.

He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.

According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.

Good morning

Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.

We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.

I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.

TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better

I punched my monitor

Now my hand Hz.

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*

me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.

[1st date]

date: you have any hobbies?

me: i collect old comics

date: oh like first editions?

me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure

I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.

8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Me: You were only at school for two days.

8: You weren’t there.

Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep

Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills

Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.

Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals

I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.

It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?

Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.

I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.

chat, i am full of concern

I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.

Please don’t feed the Kardashians.