Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?

Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?

Advisor: let me take their temperature

Queen: ?

Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king

Queen: how do you know?

Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises

When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you

If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:

Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.

Milk Cube

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u

Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit

Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?

Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.

Hostess:

Me: Write it down.

So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL

When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend

I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now

we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably

Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.

In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.

(At the dentist)

‘Your grinding isn’t good.’

Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

*struts into the new year
~ trips

A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.

Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀

gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope

Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?

Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.

Me: And?

Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.

to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.

It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

How to get ready for things :

1. Procrastinate for 5 hours

2. Panic 10 min before leaving

God: you’re a penguin.

Penguin: actually I’m a spy.

God: uh no you aren’t.

Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?

God: that’s just what you look like.

Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.

God:

Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”