Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam

Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.

[reverse psychology]

me: tell me about your childhood

therapist: *crying* where do I begin?

ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]

GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?

E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.

GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?

Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.

Me: Forgive me father I have sinned

Priest: Get out of my house

M: But it’s a big sin

P: *sigh* Speak child

M: I broke into your house

had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”

I call my wife “Wordle”

She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.

Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.

I get into bed.

Husband is already asleep.

I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.

Marriage is fun.

just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes

trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was

Bank robber: everyone get down now!

me *starts dancing frantically*

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work

It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza

If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.

Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.

A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.