I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
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Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
How many gray sedans in a parking lot is too many? Should I go to a different Walgreens?
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.