Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.

[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]

Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*

“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH

[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??

Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.

Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.

Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.

you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner

Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”

Cellmate : “Them what happened “??

[In the White House war room]

Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.

Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.

My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits

Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.

Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.

You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.

The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth

INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?

ME: ope i thought it said preference

Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”

My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles

Which is why the lights stay off!

My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”

When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks