Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF

Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”

Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.

Terribly Tuesday.

Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]

her: what do you want?

me: to pay for my sins

her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru

me: I mean to pay for my McSins

Wife: want to have sex?

Me: oh hell yeah.

Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.

I SAID: How’s vacation going?

MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.

applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist

My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.

I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.

Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer

neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?

me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.

the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”

Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy

Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark

ㅤ

My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’

Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’

Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!

– squirrels

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing

HER: no I just said that I do pilates

ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land

wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands

[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please

Lets keep this short tell me what I did right

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

It kinda feels like this rn

Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.