Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*

Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open

FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.

ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.

FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.

ME: Milk.

someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.

My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?

4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.

Me:

4:

Me: Well, obviously.

First date idea.

Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.

[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog

Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.

“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”

-yelp review

Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby

When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.

We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”

Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.

Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.

“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”

Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.

[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨

If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now

My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.

They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.

Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors

Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work

My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.

One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.

We also don’t have a second floor.