Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”

Times when the world seems different somehow:

– being in your elementary school as an adult

– being in a pool when it rains

– train stations at night

– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die

– walking through fresh snow by yourself

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.

Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.

Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*

McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.

ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!

Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006

“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating

Me: You’re not like other girls.

3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*

I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.

Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.

Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!

Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.

me: when… when… when!

life: *continues grating*

Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?

doctor: are you sexually active?

me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active

At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

Mom: Take out the trash

*I take the trash on a lovely date*

Mom: Not what I meant

*I assassinate the trash in an ally*

Mom: Still wrong

Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.

Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*

Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they

They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.

When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.

Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.

doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health

me: phew, I’m so relieved

doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…

Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint