I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
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If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office