Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry

[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat

My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.

Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.

Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.

Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.

*hair is super let down*

Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.

“Change is never easy…”

~McDonalds employees

Me: smells good, what’s cooking?

Wife: bacon

Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg

I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not

Me: Your wifi isn’t working

Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!

Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder

AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.

Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.

Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples

Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?

Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.

Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?

GF: really?

Me: yeah

George Foreman: that’s interesting

It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.

🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

me: I want to buy some drugs

dealer: are you a cop

me: would I get a discount

Watching movies with kids:

If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.

If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.

As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts

doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button

Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.

Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?

Friend: Yeah?

Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!

[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.

Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.

“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.