Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.

“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker

I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her

“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”

Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.

[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew

[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*

Priest: the bride, sir

In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.

dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours

My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.

We were definitely meant for each other.

The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.

Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god

Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??

I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”

Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.

I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club

Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’

Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Only short people can save us

person: calm down

me: *calm immediately goes up*

A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .

Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?

I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed

Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.

The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.

Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

Me: I know what you’re thinking. Everyone thinks it’s suspicious that my husbands died of natural causes so early in life
Him: One fell while hiking, one tumbled out of his office window and the other drove his car into the ocean.
Me: Gravity is natural.

Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”