Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.

SON: *first word* momma.

MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.

Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?

Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?

*removes 14 stick figures from car*

Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.

Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.

5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.

My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.

“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me

Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?

My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.

Me: … yeah, pretty much

My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…

I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.

Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.

Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?

People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..

Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory

I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?

Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language

Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*

I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.

Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet

Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood

[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.

VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.

ME: I can’t run either.

Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward

Some of us just developed bad knees

Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.

me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”

sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.