I’m so glad that I made the right financial decision in 2018 and ditched my $89/mo cable package so that I can now pay $83/mo for YouTube TV, $23/mo for Netflix, $16/mo for Disney+, $13/mo for Paramount, $15/mo for Prime, $10/mo for AppleTV, and $21/mo for HBO
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?
“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”
