Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.

horse prosecutor: did you do it?

horse defendant: neigh

horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again

horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!

LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names

ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won

ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!

ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!

ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter

FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”

Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

no caffeine: day 6

-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead

My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back

Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”

*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*

*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*

“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:

”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

may you live out your days in such a way that they can’t identify the body.

-old irish blessing

Son: *carrying damaged produce*

Me: Drop that sick beet!

Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”

My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet

If you’re happy and you know it…

Watch the news.

Him: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.

I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.

*walks into a nuclear power plant

Do you serve fission chips?

I’ll see myself out..

Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.

serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

Friend: not a fan.

Me: correct. you human.