Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.

[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

If I had two brownies, I’d give you one

little corner off of one

My 9yo on Shark Tank:

“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.

The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.

I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song

Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus

Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office

*at museum*

Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?

Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things

Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here

Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy

I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.

Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!

Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?

I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.

Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.

Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”

driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself

friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.

Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?

me: no, there’s no oxygen

5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?

me: then yes

5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?

me: then no

5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?

me: is someone paying you to do this?