Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep

You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.

Dune (2021)

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?

So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?

Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.

When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.

~ Scotchgard

Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.

NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant

Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.

Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”

Toto: “Da f**k I do?”

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

Happy Caturday!

Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.

God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.

Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.

God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.

Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?

Me: We were robbed.

Husband: They only took the cookies?

Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?

HER: What kind of music do you like?

ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.

HER: Okay.

ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.

My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.

[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance

10 signs that he’s just not that into you

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10. He is a cat.