I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
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Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Love is in the air fryer.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.