I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
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when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
New mindset, who dis?
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR