I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
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him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Poetry is my passion
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Risking my life for fun.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.