Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”

I will never lie to my future children.

My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.

I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.

Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams

told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance

*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.

People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.

That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right

-Goldilocks on Tinder

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively

I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.

me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you

dinner ingredients:

When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.

asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”

a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes

being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.

i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”

Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started

DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.

The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!

My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤