I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
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I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask