I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
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Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
this made my day 😂
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.