I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
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The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
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When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.