I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
You Might Also Like
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Reminder:
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
We never “welcomed” a baby into our family. We just kind of brought them home and tickled them every now and then.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no