I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
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Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
peak technology
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle