I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
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[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Ron is short for Aaronald
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Xylophonist Shredding It
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed