Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?

Me: What?

7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS

Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.

7yo: WHOA 🤯

You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.

Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce

[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.

When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.

My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.

I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice

Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”

6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?

Me: For cups.

6: But you can’t drink and drive.

A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is

I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.

A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.

ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?

WIFE: For real

ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]

GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-

the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”

[inventing facebook]

Everyone: My family isn’t racist.

Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha

“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”

friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours

me: yeah so

friend: maybe u should turn it on

Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…

Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.

Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.

Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.

I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”

Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner