I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
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i now pronounce you bounced.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.