I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
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Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
April 1st is the class clown of days.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”