I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
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lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…