I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
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An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Trying
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”