I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
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*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.