Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DON’T JUST TAKE PHOTOS! BUY! 😡

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.

-Kids

*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank

Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy

I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.

I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.

The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here

Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.

My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.

When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.

😂

My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.

Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering

I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.

[a door mysteriously slams shut]

me: *spooked* what was that

the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol

me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open

If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.

I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.

Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

[creating flamingos]

god: here’s your legs

flamingo: can I just have 1

god: no u have to use 2

flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.

Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.

*being broken up with*

Me: I thought we were on the same page!

Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it

Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.

(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?

I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.

i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him