Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth

*immediately takes 2nd bite*

Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?

*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”

*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!

Thank you, they came with the frame.

(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one

Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.

The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.

Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”

Him: I’m an English teacher

Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes

if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever

boss: you’re fired

me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that

If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention

To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…

Then it’s a soap opera!

Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye

Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof

Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.

Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.

Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.

Or something like that.

I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.

My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.

I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences

Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks

Judge: divorce granted