Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.

When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.

Me: No more talking. Good night.

10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?

[Record Shop]

Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?

Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.

Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.

Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.

inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away

You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.

“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair

Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.

I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”

– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing

Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.

GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?

ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers

GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee

Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.

People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.

Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?

Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.

i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!

If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.

I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.

Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?

I love the smell of relapse in the morning

Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.

Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more

Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.

Me: I’m feeling short of breath.

Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?

Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.