I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
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Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.
Parenting is fun.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.
He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does