I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
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If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
stop
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
I think the cat got the dog high.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right