I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
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If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Don’t beat an alive horse either.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
he’s making a list
he’s checking it twice
he’s inserting bullet points
he’s moved a picture
shit undo undo
what the margin
trying to insert more bullet points
they’re now shifted left?
Santa Claus is struggling with Microsoft Word
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
good morning
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.