I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
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me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in
Pig: nope
Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.