I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
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me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
this post was so formative to me
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat