Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”

You did what sir?!

[burying my father at sea]

Why isn’t this shovel working?

Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.

nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right

me: totally

nintendo: and you hate working a job

me: so much

nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?

me: will it be cute

nintendo: so cute

me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours

You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.

I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream

[first day in hell]

Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!

Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing

Satan: HAHAH- what?

Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy

Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?

In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????

Im out of cotton balls. 😒

2017 – Wizard of Oz

[opening credits]

Dorothy: *opens weather app*

[end credits]

Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard

My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.

Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…

If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping

I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?

how to have fun when you’re poor

White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it

I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.

cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.

‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’

*eats tiny amount of kale*

I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE

Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

[On the phone]

Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No.

When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box

me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted

my house: what’s this about extra money?

My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ

The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.

Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger