Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]

funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?

employee: well every time i put his left leg in…

Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me

Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin

Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car

The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.

Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm

Tony the Tiger: great

Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.

My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!

*hyperventilates*

*vomits*

Me: It’s for the dog.

8: Oh. Can I have a snack?

Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick

When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence

if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins

So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place

Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”

It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.

I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.

7: dad can you help me with this math problem

me: sure

me: [sees it] nope.

The math problem:

Me: *Swimming with dolphins*

Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?

Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.

Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?

There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people

The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point

I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.

And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.

Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.

Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.

Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.

A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.

Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”

Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR

I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.

My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.