Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.

Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.

~me as a motivational speaker

new wife guy just dropped

Ref: Call it in the air..

*flips coin*

Me: A QUARTER.

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about

[helps little old lady across street]

ME: so can I be in your will?

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?

If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple

Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”

Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*

Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”

Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”

When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.

In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will

I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.

My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.

Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.

CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?

ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!

DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?

Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose

Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?

Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!