i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
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I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?