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@Sickayduh

Scientists are dumb. A meteor didn’t kill the dinosaurs. I’ve been to the museum. It’s obvious they starved to death.

@TySmithdrums

Me: “I can’t find your phone.”
Her: “Call it.”
Me: “Here, phone!”
Her: “I hate you.”

@omgshuddup

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

@thequeensheart

Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?

@TheBoydP

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

@gonzotrucker

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.

@AlmightyBored

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

@Robert_Fultz

I find it really annoying that eating food doesn’t heal wounds like I was led to believe as a kid. Damn Nintendo.